How to Have Fun and Meaningful Conversations With Your Child at Any Age
Who says children don’t come with handbooks?
…is not a serious question (lol), but it is the opening statement in the description of one of my favorite parenting books called Say What You See by award winning author, Sandra R. Blackard.
The confidence in that opening statement is not without merit. Michael, (my husband), and I have experienced so much of Annabelle’s joy coming from a place of being understood because of the advice we found in Say What You See. We can have conversations with her that are fun and meaningful not just for us, but for her too.
This book is the exact manual that I needed when Annabelle turned one and suddenly wanted to communicate things to me but didn’t know how to tell me what she wanted to say; and lucky enough Say What You See fell into my lap via Pinterest during a late-night scroll. (This is how things always seem to find me. Seriously, as a ‘geriatric mama’, what would I do without Pinterest?)
So, I guess there really is hope for those of us who would prefer to have the instruction book on how to have fun and meaningful conversations with children of all ages… even when they can’t talk and don’t quite understand themselves or how the world works yet.
I’m hearing that Say What You See is also very helpful for teenagers…. (Stay tuned for my updated review when that time comes for us.)
Exactly what parenting advice did I find so helpful in Say What You See?
Children have three basic needs at their core, and all of their actions are to express and fulfill one of these needs.
1. Children need to be heard and understood.
A lot of times children will express themselves through actions instead of words. When we Say what we see them doing, or when we say how we think they’re feeling, the child will know that we’re listening to them through observing them, and they will feel heard and understood.
When we’re saying what we see them doing, or how we think they’re feeling, we have no judgement. It’s just matter of fact observation so that they’re free to be themselves and meet their needs. I’ll talk about what to do when an action needs to be corrected below.
Here’s an example from the book of saying how you think they feel that I found helpful: “That didn’t turn out the way you wanted. You feel frustrated.”
“With an upset child, understanding works like a fire extinguisher.”
When a child does express themselves using words, saying what we see is just about repeating what the child says back to them or rephrasing it with a couple of the key words they used so that they know you truly heard and understood what they were saying.
If you see a child doing or saying something that you like, you can say what you see and then tell them what strength you’re seeing them demonstrate.
Example: “You put your doll on the doll stand and no one has shown you how to do that yet, you figured that out all by yourself. You’re so smart!”
If you see a child doing or saying something you don’t like, you can say what you see and then tell them what they can do instead.
Example: “You’re trying to kiss the kitty by laying on top of her, you really love the kitty. You can give her a kiss when you sit down next to her like this instead, kitty will like that better.”
2. Children need to feel contact with us and other people.
Sometimes Annabelle will run up to me and hug me or hug my legs if I’m standing up. It’s one of the most amazing feelings when she does this because her intent is clear. She loves me and she wanted to feel contact with me, so she gave me a hug.
Other times, usually closer to bedtime when she gets tired and silly, Annabelle will tackle me roughly which usually causes her to hurt herself or both of us by hitting her head on mine. We’ve both had bruises! (But ‘geriatric mama’ bruises take longer to go away than baby bruises. Super cute!)
What I learned in Say What You See is that Annabelle is trying to fill the need of feeling contact with me; just like when she runs up to give me a hug. She’s just not able to express things the same way when she’s tired.
While I love a fun and safe wrestle session with Annabelle, I don’t like it when she gets hurt because she’s tired.
So an example of how I learned to handle these situations in Say What You See is to understand that she’s trying to feel contact if she tackles, hits or acts physically aggressive.
Then I usually sit down to get on her level or pick her up and give her a big hug and lots of kisses, which usually brings on her happy giggles and squeals. It’s not always so easy, but thankfully it has worked well for us!
3. Children need to feel like a winner.
Anytime Annabelle does something she’s been trying hard to do, she will jump up and yell “YAAAAAYYY!” Before she could talk, she would laugh and clap her hands when she did something that she knew was a success.
In these fun and magical moments, she clearly feels like a winner. Children have an innate need to succeed. They need to experience winning which is a good thing. However, if they aren’t able to experience the feeling of success regularly, they could try alternate ways of feeling like they’ve won. To quote from Say What You See…
“If winning doesn’t come easily, children’s innate drive toward health will automatically propel them toward winning in another form. For example, if children feel overwhelmed by the game of chess, they may switch to checkers. If they cannot win at checkers, they will avoid the game, only play against younger children, or cheat to win in order to prove to themselves and others that they are winners.”
In this situation, when correcting the wrong behavior, it’s important to focus on the child’s drive to win rather than the wrong behavior. Show them love and respect and allow them to choose games and activities at the level they prefer to play them, where they can be successful. This will give them a sense of capability, confidence and winning, so they don’t need to cheat or resort to undesirable behaviors to feel successful.
Annabelle has several toys that are designed for older toddlers. They’re safe, but she doesn’t always understand the intended use. So what I’ve learned from the book is to say what I see her doing with the toy and tell her a strength that goes along with what she’s doing. She usually replies with a loud “YESH!” or “Yaaaay!”
I’m looking forward to seeing her need to win develop even more as she grows up.
Say What You See isn’t advertised anywhere, so it’s principles are not mainstream and they’re not well known to most parents. I feel so lucky that I happened to find it on Pinterest!
What I’ve reviewed about the book here for you is what has helped us have fun and meaningful conversations with Annabelle. So, I definitely recommend that you read this amazing little book too; and find which principles work for you and your children.
Sandra’s way of explaining is so practical and easy to follow, and I’m not sure I’ve done her any justice in this post; but, for the sake of repetition… this is what I’ve found to work the most for us.
You can find Say What You See here. I hope you enjoy all that it has to offer as much as I do!
This post is not sponsored, but we do receive a very small commission for anything we refer you to on Amazon.
Here are some of my favorite toddler activities to prompt conversations with my toddler:
Melissa & Doug Children's Book - Poke-a-Dot: An Alphabet Eye Spy (Board Book with Buttons to Pop) - We love the poppers and pointing out all of her favorite things in this book!
PairPear Wooden Tea Set for Little Girls, Wooden Toys Toddler Tea Set Play Kitchen Accessories for Kids Tea Party with Play Food. -This is the first thing she wants to do in the morning and she loves to talk through making her tea!
PairPear Kids Tool Bench,Wooden Toys Child Workbench with Toy Hammer and Construction Tools, Toddler Toy Set with Tool Accessories Gift for Boys- Absolutely adorable!
RELATED RESOURCES
Language of Listening Videos by the award winning author of Say What You See Sandra R. Blackard.
Private Coaching with Language of Listening Coaches.
The 3-Part Method That Will Change the Way You Parent—Forever. By, The Military Wife & Mom
